The official (and entirely unaccountable) paper of record for the Second Annual Deschutes River Run. All articles below are fiction. Mostly. Legally, all of them.
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The
✦ Aquatics Division of the Camping Team · The Masthead Follows The Flag ✦
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The Cancellation Has Been Cancelled
Ship Un-Given UpVoyage reinstated before the driveway ice finished melting. Camp moves one river east; flag reportedly indifferent about which river finds it.
By the Camp Master · Filed eastbound on Highway 206
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The ship, given up in these very pages on Tuesday, has been taken back. Don’t Give Up The Ship II sails after all — not to Maupin, which remains behind a fire and firmly off the table, but to Cottonwood Canyon State Park on the John Day River, where the group camp is named, with an honesty this organization can only aspire to, End of the Road. The cancellation lasted roughly a day and a half — described by sources close to the Camp Master as “the longest he has ever let a plan stay dead.” Asked to comment on the reversal, he referred reporters to the flag, which says what it says. | |||||||||
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Leadership
Man Refuses To Give Up Ship He Was Specifically Told Was Given UpA previous edition reported that Camp Master Jeff Mumford — six-time ‘Most Prepared Man Alive,’ holder of between 2 and 12 of every conceivable object — did not own a spare Highway 197. Accurate, the follow-up investigation confirms, but incomplete. An audit of the remaining inventory found no road, but did find: a brain, a hunger for the outdoors, and a deep history and knowledge of the terrain of Oregon. Witnesses describe him spreading the state map across a tailgate, dragging one finger east out of the smoke, and stopping on the one river canyon in Oregon without a fire in it. “There,” he said. The group camp was booked and paid for by 8:49 the next morning. The flag, sources confirm, never specified a river. It says one thing. It does not say “consult the road conditions.” | |||||||||
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Corrections — Tuesday’s edition ran the headline “Ship Given Up.” We regret the error. The error was believing him.
Classifieds — FOUND: one river, unburnt. WANTED: nothing; Jeff has between 2 and 12 of it. FOR SALE: one (1) cancellation, barely used. RETRACTED: the retraction.
Almanac — Days the ship stayed given up: 1.5. Rivers it takes to stop this trip: more than Oregon has. Acres routed around: 77,311. Crew lost, all-time: zero, unbroken. High-side when told. Drive east when told.
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Don’t Give Up The Ship II · DGUTS '26 — Reinstated
Satire, filed lovingly. The boxed notice above is not. Hosted by Jeff & Nigel · Cottonwood Canyon, Oregon · Ship happens. The river keeps.
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The Deschutes Dispatch
✦ Aquatics Division of the Camping Team · Established MMXXV ✦
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Stop The Presses
Ship Given UpSecond voyage scrubbed with the advance team already packed. Zero casualties promised; zero casualties delivered, by a technicality nobody wanted.
By the Camp Master · Filed from the driveway
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After one maiden voyage, six months of planning, and a meal roster that never advanced past “TBD,” the Camping Team’s aquatics division announces that Don’t Give Up The Ship II will not sail. The flag stays in the truck. The steaks stay in the freezer. Oak Springs will have to squat on itself. The name has held up for forty years and two generations. It buckles this week. | |||||||||
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Leadership
Man Who Owns 12 Of Everything Owns Zero RoadsCamp Master Jeff Mumford — six-time ‘Most Prepared Man Alive,’ holder of between 2 and 12 of every conceivable object — has confirmed he does not have a spare Highway 197. Sources say he checked. Twice. He then checked the fire map, the flow gauge, the evacuation map, and the forecast, in that order, and called it. “I’ve made some questionable calls on this trip,” he said. “This one isn’t.” | |||||||||
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Corrections — A previous edition promised zero casualties. We stand by this. We regret the method.
Classifieds — WANTED: rain. FOR SALE: one (1) cooler, fully iced, no takers. FOUND: Jake Stevens’ innocence. LOST: five days.
Almanac — Miles paddled: zero. Crawdads eaten on site: zero (one pardoned in absentia). Crew lost: zero, all-time, unbroken. Acres burned nearby: 77,311. High-side when told. Stay home when told.
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Don’t Give Up The Ship II · DGUTS '26 — Suspended
Satire, filed lovingly. The boxed notice above is not. Hosted by Jeff & Nigel · Maupin, Oregon · Ship happens. Paddle through it — next year.
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The Deschutes Dispatch
✦ Aquatics Division of the Camping Team · Established MMXXV ✦
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Extra! Extra!
‘Don’t Give Up
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After a maiden voyage that saw the entire crew return upright and the books balanced to the penny, the Camping Team’s aquatics division has announced the return of its flagship expedition. Don’t Give Up The Ship II — the Second Annual Deschutes River Run — launches the week of August 12th and runs through the 16th, with camp pitched once more at Oak Springs outside Maupin. | |||||||||
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Developing Story
Jake Stevens Forgets The Ice. Again. Sources ‘Not Even Mad, Just Disappointed.’Local man Jake Stevens has once again arrived at the put-in with vibes, opinions, and no ice — a role he has now held for six consecutive seasons. Witnesses report Mr. Stevens “gestured confidently toward a cooler that turned out to be empty,” before asking whether anyone had service. The FAQ, which he has never read, addresses this directly. Camp leadership issued a brief statement: “Bring ice. Never enough ice.” It is understood to be directed at one specific person. | |||||||||
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Classifieds — FOUND: the missing lens from Jake’s $7 gas-station sunglasses (five years later). WANTED: a shuttle driver who is not Jake. FOR SALE: one (1) cooler, gently emptied. LOST: Jake’s sense of direction, last seen upstream.
Almanac — Crew lost, all-time: zero. Crawdads eaten on site: one, gloriously. Ice supplies attributable to Jake Stevens: also zero. High-side when told.
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Don’t Give Up The Ship II · DGUTS ’26
Satire, filed lovingly. Hosted by Jeff & Nigel · Maupin, Oregon · Ship happens. Paddle through it.
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DGUTS '26 is back on — same flag, different river. Camp is booked and paid at Cottonwood Canyon on the John Day, out of the fire and smoke. No forms this time: text Jeff you’re coming, then drive east and look for the flag.